I was in the shower the other day when a flashback hit me. It was as if the water pelting on my body was washing me in a fresh wave of guilt for things that had happened in the past. I tried to shake it off and turn my mind to other things but somehow, I kept replaying dead memories in my head… then I heard a still small voice say, Why do you continue torturing yourself? Why do you continue punishing yourself? All has been forgiven… can’t you forgive yourself?
In the past, I never had any real problems with self-esteem. I’d been taught early on that God loved me no matter what and what I did in my day-to-day life was just an expression of gratitude for His grace and sacrifice. I guess I’d never really done anything THAT bad to make me question my place in God’s eyes. However, when I was left with the realisation that I’d come THAT close to throwing away my values, my integrity, my beliefs, my loyalty to the One who’d paid it all for me… it crushed my spirit. That was what I had resented him for the most. Clearly, I had my own part in it, but I had felt like he should have known better, he should have looked after me better. Being the more ‘experienced’ one, I felt like if he had cared for me at all, as a person, as a friend and not just as a romantic interest, he wouldn’t have let things have gone as far as they did. But he had been hurting too…hurting people hurt people after all.
When things had ended, I was in quiet denial, trying to justify the actions that had been taken, trying to belittle the feelings of my own breaking heart, not so much for the love that wasn’t meant to be (breaking up with me was probably the best thing that he could have done for me in the long run), but for the disappointment I must have been to Him. There was a part of me that felt that He’d placed me in a position to help another get back on track but I, in my foolishness, had ended up hurting myself. I found myself clinging onto the promises that I’d taken for granted all those years… there was no longer a pristine PK track record to hold onto anymore. I was forced to face the reality that no matter what I did, I could never measure up to God’s perfect standard. I could read my Bible daily, pray continuously, go to church every Sunday, help the poor and weak… but it wouldn’t erase what I’d done in the past. Basically, I’d come to the end of myself.
All I could do was fall at the feet of the Cross, as I had many times before but never to the full extent as I knew I needed to do. I remember that worship session, where He told me that He was singing a new song over me. He has reminded me time and time again over the last 12 months or so (yep, we’re nearly 1 year on from when that unofficial relationship unofficially ended lols) that all had been paid for at the Cross and He WILL restore what I thought I’d lost. He has got better things ahead if I’m willing to wait on Him and not rush into things I’ll regret in the future. He has been helping me almost get to the stage where I feel I can open my heart again to the possibility of a love that will last a lifetime… but there’s a condition: Are you willing to wait on Me and not take things into your own hands?
There are actually three ‘options’ that have been brought to my attention in the last 6 months. Two who pretty much tick all the boxes but are kinda out of my immediate vicinity and one who I have connections and ways to get to if I make a decision to do so. It’s one of those situations where I’m left standing there, looking up to Heaven and asking, ‘What do you want me to do, God? Which way do you want me to go?’ I don’t want to do things my way because that is more trouble than it’s worth in the end… but at the same time, I don’t want to miss out on any opportunities that God may have placed there and is just waiting on me to make a move on :P. Such is the dilemma of the young Christian single girl :D.
Oh well, I think I know the answer already anyway… I’ll continue to spend more time in prayer and He’ll reveal His will for me in His own good time. :)
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7 NIV