For you, I’m happy

Oh maybe, one day, oh, one day.
We’ll cross each other’s way.
And have a chance to stay to say:
“For you, I’m happy.”
Oh maybe, one day, oh, one day.
We’ll grab a coffee and share stories,
About the woman you love,
And the man that I’ve met,
And have no regrets ’cause in the end,
It was for the best.

One Day, Jennifer Chung

♥ Ames

That Story – what started this blog.

There is one last story I would like to share before beginning the 2011 wrap up.  It’s the story that I was trying to run away from when I launched this blog at the start of this year however, this blog has inadvertently documented the journey I’ve had to take to really find freedom from the past.  I hope that in telling this story, it will symbolically be buried and there will be no need for it to be mentioned again (except in the context of lessons learnt and for the purposes of encouraging others working through past hurts and pain).  

So here it goes…

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my yesterdays

Finally.  Finally, I’ve been able to put all that I learnt in those 6 months and after to use.  The hardest thing was thinking that I’d just wasted all that time and energy for nothing.  But that’s not true.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. – Romans 8:28

Little by little I’ve been able to help others who’ve struggled or are struggling or just shine a little light into the darkness or the unknown… and that’s been rewarding.  But recently, I put all I learnt on the table to help another and I knew that if I had not gone through that storm, I would not have been able to offer the comfort and reassurance that I did.  So thank you, Lord.  Thank you for the storm.

And hence, I decided to bring something over from my first blog – The First/Last Notes (which I think someone has already found before this announcement hehe).  I’d always hoped that someone would benefit from reading them (and I know one that has in the past) so given that the old blog is privatised (you lash out a lot when you are heartbroken and let’s just say it got ugly!), I thought I’d transfer them here so that perhaps another could find consolation and hope for a better tomorrow :).

I’ll end with the photo I found via Leeleegirl (I think you’re becoming one of my favourite bloggers!):

♥ Ames

Ex-Changing Roles

It’s a rare day when I actually find some insight from the gossip column of MX.  It’s an even rarer day when I publish a post while I’m in class (FYI, I typed most of this while on my way to uni- efficient, no?).  The ‘article’ was entitled, ‘Peachy keen to be buds’, from the MX on May 9, 2011.  I’ve extracted bits of it below and I’ll let the words speak for themselves:

“Peaches Geldof and Eli Roth have given me a lot to think about.  The exes, who broke up six months ago, have been spotted out together, sparking rumours they are back on.  Or are they?  Surprisingly, most tabloids are sticking to the story they are just friends. (then BLAH BLAH BLAH)  Cynicism aside, can you really be friends with your ex? (insert bit about how Peaches’ current bf would probably say a few things).  Otherwise, it’s fair to say the friendship prospects of a former couple all comes down to the break-up. (bit more stuff about Peaches and Eli’s reasons for breaking up).  A boyfriend or girlfriend is also often a best friend, so when the relationship dies, does that mean the friendship is terminal?

Liz Hurley and Hugh Grant have remained besties since splitting 11 years ago. (A bit about their friendship). “We have separate lives now but we are there for each other and that’s what counts.”  Demi Moore and Bruce Willis still vacation together- with respective partners.  How’s that for happy extended families? “It’s hard to understand, but we go on holidays together.”  Willis says.  “I’m thrilled that Ashton turned out to be such a great guy.” (ha!)  Cameron Diaz is even starring in a movie with her ex Justin Timberlake.  “We break up.  We move on.  All I want for him is happiness. And all he wants is my happiness,” Diaz says.  “We’re good at being funny together.  That’s easy.”

So… can ex mark the bestie spot?

I have to say that I was in agreement with a few points from here a blog post that has since been deleted… hmmmm. Well, the initial step in the healing process after a break up (I believe) is to go cold turkey for a bit… it’s like getting off a drug (I assume) where you have to learn to be dependent from something (or in the case of a relationship, someone) that had previously consumed so much of your life.  But after you have completed rehabilitation, what happens next?  Like the author of that ‘article’, (for once) the celebrity exes have given me a bit to think about.

♥ Ames

Short Story: Unspoken Conversations

It wasn’t a dream this time.  You know the mix of thoughts you have just before you fall asleep?  They say that whatever is in your heart will manifest itself in some shape or form whether you will it to or not…

In an ideal world, she’d be able to stroll through those same gardens with him without any emotional residue.

In an ideal world, she’d tell him how she really doesn’t hold anything against him anymore and how she has been so much better off without him.

In an ideal world, he’d understand exactly where she is coming from and accept that he must mean nothing to her in order to start again.

In an ideal world, she’d tell him how wonderful it has been to live in the very near presence of their Saviour and how he needs to find his rest and renewal from Him alone.

In an ideal world, she’d be able to articulate clearly and joyfully to him about how she sees the pieces fit all together now.

In an ideal world, he’d agree with everything she says because she’s just cool like that (hahaha- just kidding!).

But the world isn’t ideal and her head doesn’t really want those things… right?

Her mind turns to sweeter thoughts of her Beloved.  That’s right, she doesn’t want to risk crossing the line again for the sake of her Beloved.  She doesn’t want to run the risk of sharing the innermost thoughts she’d reserved for her Beloved with someone who… well, isn’t her Beloved. She remembers the Father’s wisdom to drop that hinderance, promising that whenever He asks her to lay something down, it is because He has something more worthy of her attention and efforts in store.  And He always keeps His promises because lying would be against His very nature.

And, what do you know? She has fallen asleep with a smile on her face.

:).

—————————————————–

“If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they’re yours; if they don’t they never were.” – Richard Bach

♥ Ames

Short Story: ‘getting over you’

A couple that we really thought could last the distance broke up this week… there were a lot of barriers to begin with but we saw the breaking down of the walls and the building of bridges… it was beautiful thing… however, it’s not really my place to say anything further on the topic… I just wanted to base a short narrative on a status update that I saw of one of the parties… the status read: ‘getting over you’.

——————————

The boy seemed very infatuated with the girl but she was still wondering what had actually happened.  She laughed it off when he told her he liked her…she knew he was totally on the rebound (though he always denied it) and most likely just clung to her because she’d offered him help… yet somehow, her heart was interested to see what this whole love thing could look like.

She said, ‘Let’s just be friends, get to know each other better for the next year or so…. when you’ve got over her, we can have this conversation again.’

His face grew serious.  ‘I don’t think I’m meant to get over her.  I won’t ever get over her… it’s more like, I have to get on with my life…’ Then he smiled. ‘…and I’m hoping that you’ll be somewhere in the picture… in the future.’

Even though she knew it wasn’t a good idea and she didn’t even know that she’d done it, she gave him her heart that day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A full year and a bit onwards, she’s a lot older (well, she feels it) and she’s a lot wiser (she knows it).  She has realised that the friendship she had kept hoping for just doesn’t exist anymore.  She’s not the same girl he fell for and he’s not the same boy she shared her innermost thoughts with.  Circumstances have changed.  From the moment he told her he liked her, the purely friendship aspect of their interactions was doomed to be something irretrievable…well, at least irretrievable in the form that it once was.  The relationship that deepened that day and the days afterwards was too entwined and laced with romantic love that, to find somewhere in between would be detriment to them both.  And she has accepted that as a fact.

The words he spoke ring true for her now.

‘I don’t think I’m meant to get over you, I just have to get on with my life.’

♥ Ames

P.S. Short Stories will not be open for public comments but if you liked it, have an opinion to express, if you spot spelling errors etc., feel free to email: mixedbagsofmusings@gmail.com, thank you!

The end of self.

I was in the shower the other day when a flashback hit me.  It was as if the water pelting on my body was washing me in a fresh wave of guilt for things that had happened in the past.  I tried to shake it off and turn my mind to other things but somehow, I kept replaying dead memories in my head… then I heard a still small voice say, Why do you continue torturing yourself?  Why do you continue punishing yourself?  All has been forgiven… can’t you forgive yourself?

In the past, I never had any real problems with self-esteem.  I’d been taught early on that God loved me no matter what and what I did in my day-to-day life was just an expression of gratitude for His grace and sacrifice.  I guess I’d never really done anything THAT bad to make me question my place in God’s eyes.  However, when I was left with the realisation that I’d come THAT close to throwing away my values, my integrity, my beliefs, my loyalty to the One who’d paid it all for me… it crushed my spirit.  That was what I had resented him for the most.  Clearly, I had my own part in it, but I had felt like he should have known better, he should have looked after me better.  Being the more ‘experienced’ one, I felt like if he had cared for me at all, as a person, as a friend and not just as a romantic interest, he wouldn’t have let things have gone as far as they did.  But he had been hurting too…hurting people hurt people after all.

When things had ended, I was in quiet denial, trying to justify the actions that had been taken, trying to belittle the feelings of my own breaking heart, not so much for the love that wasn’t meant to be (breaking up with me was probably the best thing that he could have done for me in the long run), but for the disappointment I must have been to Him.  There was a part of me that felt that He’d placed me in a position to help another get back on track but I, in my foolishness, had ended up hurting myself.  I found myself clinging onto the promises that I’d taken for granted all those years… there was no longer a pristine PK track record to hold onto anymore.  I was forced to face the reality that no matter what I did, I could never measure up to God’s perfect standard.  I could read my Bible daily, pray continuously, go to church every Sunday, help the poor and weak… but it wouldn’t erase what I’d done in the past.  Basically, I’d come to the end of myself.

All I could do was fall at the feet of the Cross, as I had many times before but never to the full extent as I knew I needed to do.  I remember that worship session, where He told me that He was singing a new song over me.  He has reminded me time and time again over the last 12 months or so (yep, we’re nearly 1 year on from when that unofficial relationship unofficially ended lols) that all had been paid for at the Cross and He WILL restore what I thought I’d lost.  He has got better things ahead if I’m willing to wait on Him and not rush into things I’ll regret in the future.  He has been helping me almost get to the stage where I feel I can open my heart again to the possibility of a love that will last a lifetime… but there’s a condition: Are you willing to wait on Me and not take things into your own hands?

There are actually three ‘options’ that have been brought to my attention in the last 6 months.  Two who pretty much tick all the boxes but are kinda out of my immediate vicinity and one who I have connections and ways to get to if I make a decision to do so.  It’s one of those situations where I’m left standing there, looking up to Heaven and asking, ‘What do you want me to do, God?  Which way do you want me to go?’  I don’t want to do things my way because that is more trouble than it’s worth in the end… but at the same time, I don’t want to miss out on any opportunities that God may have placed there and is just waiting on me to make a move on :P.  Such is the dilemma of the young Christian single girl :D.

Oh well, I think I know the answer already anyway… I’ll continue to spend more time in prayer and He’ll reveal His will for me in His own good time.  :)

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7 NIV

♥ Ames

The significance of 40 days…

In Biblical times, 40 was a very significant number. Noah was tested when it rained 40 days and 40 nights, the Israelites wandered the deserts for 40 years, Jesus fasted for 40 days before going into public ministry… just some key examples that come to mind… I’ve also heard somewhere, that it generally takes 40 days to make some action into a habit… it also takes roughly 40 days to break a bad habit as well :P.

Well, at the very start of this year I thought I would intentionally start a good habit. I made a silent pledge that I would make every effort to spend time reading God’s Word each day before I began any of the tasks I’d set myself to do each day. It’s been tough these last two weeks having to wake up, shower, get dressed and then hop on a train to work each morning but I’d already push through the hard yards at the start and now it’s not a chore but a pleasure to spend time with my Heavenly Father each morning, knowing that I will have His Word hidden in my heart wherever I go, meditating on His promises and His will for His children…(whoa, long sentence!) and so really, this post is just to commemorate that I’ve done it! Its been 40 days (well 41 by now because I forgot that January has 31 days lols!) and I’ve seen the fruits of keeping God first place in my life. Everything has fallen into place so well, and more perfectly than I could ever have fashioned myself. I feel like I have permission to dream again. I feel like I have permission to laugh freely and effortlessly again. I feel like I’m more alive again… sometimes it does take more than 40 days to detox and rid yourself of the ugliness of the past, but trust me, it’ll happen and when it does, He’ll restore what once was lost.

Actually scrap that, don’t trust me. Trust Him… He said He’ll turn our mourning into dancing, our sorrow into joy (Psalm 30:11). Trusting is hard when you have been hurt. I still find it hard at times… but I guess I realised that if there is anyone that I can trust, it’s Him. He always has my best intentions at heart. Even if people around me have their best intentions for me, they can’t see the future, they don’t see the bigger picture and they don’t always get it right, purely because they are flawed beings like me. But He can see the future, He does have the bigger picture and no matter how many times I’ve fallen, somehow He can turn my mess into something right :).

Lols, I always write more than I intend to when I come here… ok, no more blog musings until this essay is finito!

*buries head back down in the books*

♥ Ames

complexity vs. simplicity

I had the pleasure of the company of one of my law buddies for lunch today :).  A topic that came up in conversations was the complexity of relationships.  I concluded, with his agreement, that all relationships have a degree of complexity.  Afterall, each individual is made up of so many intricacies that when you put two uniquely different people together with their own issues and emotional baggage… it becomes complicated.  Whether or not you continue in a relationship will depend on whether you want to overcome and work through those complexities or….not.

I can see now that towards the end of my last (and first) serious relationship, I just didn’t want to deal with the complexity anymore.  I wanted a way out; I wanted to get off that emotional rollercoaster that I had not signed up to.  I guess at first I did want to unravel the complexity that was, but at the end of the day, it wasn’t my complexity to have… if that makes sense.  Right now, I’m quite content to live in simplicity, free from those kinds of complicated relations.  I think the thing that requires the most time when coming out of a serious relationship is relearning how to live independent of another individual.  Learning to not to turn to the person you were once so intimate with whenever something good or bad occurs.  It is a process (that always takes longer than you’d like it to) of detaching yourself emotionally from the one you used to share every mundane or beautiful detail of life with.  It’s learning how to be comfortable in your own company, it’s learning the beauty and enjoyment that can be found in solitude.

I’m so glad to see the evidence of my own personal growth.  I’m glad that today, as I shared with the law buddy, who’d I’d intentionally kept oblivious to all that happened in my personal life last year (contrary to how it may seem on this blog, I am quite the private person), there was no residue emotions – no anger, no bitterness, no pain…. nothing.  It has become simply a fact of life.  What happened was horrible, something no one should have to go through, but it is a thing of the past that I can’t go back and change.  BUT, I can choose to live my life in a way that doesn’t continue to be affected by the past.  I’ll take the lessons learnt from it and continue moving forward on the path that lies ahead :).

 5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
      do not depend on your own understanding.
 6 Seek his will in all you do,
      and he will show you which path to take.

 – Proverbs 3:5-6 (NLT)

And so ends the easiest 448 words in the last few hours…. if only I could submit this for assessment :P.

♥ Ames

Scar

Technology can be so frustrating sometimes. One minute it works, one minute it doesn’t >.<. I’ve been struggling with my wireless router connection for the last hour or so to no avail… it is especially irritating because when our family friend was over this morning, it had worked fine after a few clicks! Grrrrr….

Something popped up recently that struck a nerve again…. how annoying when you think you’ve made peace with an issue, only for it to tempt you to take several steps backwards in progress. Sometimes I wonder if there are wounds that are so deep that it’s impossible to heal completely? Will there always be a scar that, if continually poked at enough, will eventually reopen buried disappointments? But I KNOW that I know that I know, that God can do miracles and heal the brokenhearted and I KNOW that I know that I know, that I’ve recovered a lot quicker than most people had or would have expected (except for maybe myself… I always thought I could spring back in no time!)…. but still, sometimes I catch myself absent-mindedly falling into old habits or old mindsets that I need to consciously shake off and then realign my mind and actions to focus on something productive and healthy. It’s then that I realise how helpless I am, how much I need to depend on God… perhaps the scar will always be there as a reminder that my ability to move forward does not flow out from my own mental capacities but from Him, His strength, His grace and His mercy alone.

♥ April

[addition] ‘Even [physical] scars disappear gradually, if not from the skin tissue, than at least from one’s direct attention.’ – BestFromBelgium