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First/Last Notes

In an attempt to filter out the gloom and move forward, The First/Last Notes was my outlet for thoughts about past love and hopes for the future.  First and Last? You’ll catch on ;).

4425 words later, we’re done here- but I’ll leave the Notes up for whoever may find comfort in knowing that healing is possible after a broken heart :). Much love, Amy xx – 1 Oct 2010

P.S. start from the bottom and work yourself up :)

______________________________

The not-so-secret notes

Notes for him

Together one day:

  • lets study in the library   2 Nov 2010
  • lets sit under the MC clock as if time’s stood still – 3 Nov 2010
  • lets make a music video – 4 Nov 2010
  • lets do something like this – 5 Nov 2010
  • lets write a song about how we first met – 6 Nov 2010
  • lets ride on the back of some kind of vehicle into the sunset – 7 Nov 2010
  • lets order random BubbleCup flavours and then swap – 8 Nov 2010
  • lets go somewhere like this to relax – 9 Nov 2010
  • lets make a random YouTube video – 10 Nov 2010
  • lets have a Tacos night – 11 Nov 2010
  • lets go on a photo-snapping adventure – 12 Nov 2010
  • lets please keep God at the centre of our relationship – 13 Nov 2010
  • lets lie on the grass and feel each other’s heartbeat – 14 Nov 2010
  • lets share a milkshake with two straws :) – 15 Nov 2010
  • lets grow in love slowly and seek to forgive quickly – 16 Nov 2010
  • lets go on a road trip – 17 Nov 2010
  • lets lean into each other as we sit on a tram – 18 Nov 2010
  • lets commission a street artist to draw our portraits – 19 Nov 2010
  • lets go to an opera/musical/play – 22 Nov 2010
  • lets drive around in a caravan for a week – 23 Nov 2010
  • lets jump into fountains on a hot day :) – 24 Nov 2010
  • lets shop on a VIP shopping night :) – 25 Nov 2010
  • lets go to Rooftop Bar :) – 30 Nov 2010
  • lets host a dinner party – 1st Dec 2010
  • lets watch the last movie session of the night – 6th Dec 2010

1st October 2010

The End marks the Beginning of something New

To the first one:

October- we’ve entered the month this whole saga started a year ago.  And this month is also going to mark the end of my writings on this page.  It has served its purpose and I’m finally in a position where I can say I’m completely over the past and will consciously not dwell on it for any lengthy periods of time any longer.  I won’t forget, but I know I have really forgiven and let go of any anger, angst, hurt and disappointments.  I’ll still hold onto the good memories though- the ones of happiness, laughter and love because amongst many other things, you taught me what love could look like, what love could feel like, what love could be like…and I’ll appreciate it so much more when love finds me again.  Love from a dear friend.

To the last one:

You’re in for a treat ;).  I think I am in a better position now than ever before to love you the way all husbands should be loved by their wives.  I can’t wait to see what’s in store for us.  I know it’s going to be an amazing and exciting journey and I’ll see that all the pain I went through was worth it because it would have led me to you.  Oh my Lord, I’m estatic!  I won’t be writing to you here anymore so you’ll just have to wait and see what happens ;).  Much love from your soon-to-be-best-friend and life partner ;).

♥ a.

22nd September 2010

Mistake

To the first one:

You were a mistake.  You didn’t deserve anything from me, but I gave it anyway.   You were my mistake.  BUT, you are also my greatest lesson to date (pun not intended).   Don’t go backwards, don’t fall back into old habits.  Stay strong, keep to the path that you are travelling along.  Know right from wrong.  And maybe one day I’ll make it into a song ;). (LOLs at the unexpected rhymes)

To the last one:

I made a mistake once.  I’ve learnt my lesson.  I don’t want to look back anymore, I don’t want to cherish something that tore me in two.  I will stay strong and keep to the path I’m travelling along.  I will keep the faith, and not doubt.  And then we’ll have something to sing about ;).

♥ a.

14 September 2010

Compromises

To the first one:

I think I was always a bit too ‘straight’ for you lol.  People have been tell me as of late how mismatched we were… I guess it could have worked (if your heart hadn’t returned to where it had been broken) but it would have been a hard road to walk with many compromises… heck, there were compromises!  *shakes head*

To the last one:

I guess there will always be compromises in any relationship but I hope I won’t ever have to compromise the important things with you.  I know I won’t because you’ll be the best for me and we’ll complement each other in a way that brings joy to all. *smiles*

♥ a.

11 September 2010

Safe

To the first one:

Phew! I feel like I just dodged a bullet!  How easy it is to slip and forget the promises I made to him.  Such are the mistakes we make when we think we’re ‘strong’ enough to test out the limits… if there’s anything that I’ve learnt, it is that it’s better to be safe than sorry!

To the last one:

You would have laugh at and with me today… your wife is a funny child.  But the Heavenly Father promptly put her back in her place and she is as humble now as ever.  He’ll keep her safe until you come along and even then, He’ll keep us both safe in His arms.

♥ a.

02 September 2010

Meeting

To the first one:

As each day passes, you mean less and less to me – and that’s a good thing.  Still hope we’ll be friends again one day, but if that doesn’t happen, I’m not too fussed.  We’d have to start from scratch anyways.  It’ll be as if I’m meeting you for the first time, seeing you with fresh eyes… with no relevance given to my past dealings with you.

To the last one:

Sitting around with the Cobb&Co. girls tonight, I could foresee us growing older together, going to each other’s weddings, our kids playing together… I can’t wait to share with them one day of the news of meeting you :).

♥ a.

29 August 2010

Lyrics say it better

To the first one:

It’s all because,
I waited for so long, you showed me you were the one,
I gave you my heart, right from the very start so…

It’s all because,
I loved ya, (because)
I held ya, (because)
I believed ya,
You’re not what I needed, (because)
I’m stronger, (because)
I’m better, (because)
Without you, you’d thought I’d be in pieces,
Because (you thought I’d be in pieces),
Because, I loved ya, (because) I loved ya,
(because) I loved ya

You gave me, just one thing, but taking from the beginning
You left me, a heart ache, how much more could I take…

I made a mistake of giving me to you,
I made a mistake of loving you

To the last one:

[May] God bless the broken road that [leads] me straight to you.

– I’ll sing you the rest of the song one day ;).

♥ a.

26 August 2010

Holy

To the first one:

I think he wanted to use you to destroy me, to keep me from reaching my destiny but I won’t let that happen.

You better be living a holy life now.  At least that way, perhaps I can see reason behind what happened.  That’s all I wanted to say.

Oh yeah, and you better apologise to ‘him’ one day.

To the last one:

Will you ever forgive me?  I feel saddened that I’ll be giving you a heart that has been broken once.  I’m so sorry.  I hope that when we meet, I’ll be fully restored and made whole by Him so that I can be all I can be for you, for me and for the One who will have brought us together.  And let’s live lives that are holy and pleasing to Him, bringing glory to the Holy One.  I love you-I know, it’s weird loving you when we haven’t met yet but I do *smiles*.

♥ a.

19 August 2010

Defence

To the first one:

“You know what? I hate him.” I stared in disbelief and found myself on the defensive, in defence of you and your actions.  Everyone has the right to their own views and values so I was shocked to hear the pointless attacks that were being thrown.  What right did she have to say all those hurtful things about someone I care about?! Care about…? I knew right then and there that I still care about you and I probably always will.  I’ll always defend you because I know what happened and I don’t think I was mistaken in the person (however misguided) I knew you to be.  Things could have been done better but I respect and am grateful for the way things are now.

To the last one:

I hope everyone can be happy for us and will see the beauty of our love for each other when the time is right.  I’ll be your biggest cheerleader, your prime defence, your best friend and your great love if you’ll be mine ;). hehehehe I hope you’ll be a hopeless romantic just like me too ;).

♥ a.

12 August 2010

Memories

To the first one:

Maybe I’m being a bit too optimistic, maybe I’m being too hopeful, but somehow I feel that I’m slowly getting more comfortable with life without you- I don’t need you to be happy, to laugh and to enjoy life… that’s the girl I’m trying to resurrect… the girl who knew who she was independent of any other individual, the girl who loved herself because He made her in His own image and loved her in spite of all her shortcomings.

However, the songs you shared with me come up on my playlist, I walk pass the shops you showed me, I see the places I said I was going to take you but never got to, ads for musicals and ballets connect themselves to you, even the rainy days remind me of past rainy days… but that’s OK… less emotions are tied to those thoughts now… soon, they’ll just be memories- maybe even fond ones.

To the last one:

I’m looking forward to the memories we’ll build together.  Just thinking about them, makes me smile :).  I’ll let my mind go before me while I wait for it to become a reality.  Can’t wait ;).

♥ a.

6 August 2010

Right

To the first one:

Would it really be that bad if…? I wonder if this is just me punishing myself for what happened.  This feels like self-torture.  I miss the person I once used to call my bestie.  Does he still exist or is there nothing left to do but start from scratch?  Should I just pretend we never met and just start anew when this season is over?  I want to do what’s right, I want to make things right, I want to be made right again.

No matter how much I’ve prayed, the memories won’t go away… so, I’m just learning to live with them for now.  They won’t hold me back but they are part of the fabric of my being, of who I am… so how can I erase part of who I am?  We were so silly.  I feel like we were just drunk on love for the most of it lol.  Now we’ve sobered up, life goes on.

“It was not meant to be…but that doesn’t make the love any less real.” – Andrew Cohen

To the last one:

I won’t always make the right decisions.  He’s still working on me so please be patient when I choose unwisely.  I don’t want things to just ‘feel’ right, I want things to ‘be’ right when we’re together :).

♥ a.

29 July 2010

Dreams

To the first one and last one:

So. I’m laying it all down.  For the sake of you both.  I hope we’ll all be good friends one day.  But ’til then, they said it’s for the best and after all that’s happened, I have to take their word for it.  There are times when you can’t save both a garment and your dreams.

To the last one:

I dreamt of you the other night.  You’re faceless at the moment and that’s the way it should be.  It’s funny- can you miss someone you haven’t even met before?  I hope our paths cross soon.

♥ a.

22 July 2010

Fully

To the first one:

It’s been a while since I’ve written here.  It hasn’t been a while since I’ve visited though.  I’ve visited often in fact.  Trying to find meaning, trying to make sense of it all.  I think it’s because: just like our relationship was a secret, so was the break-up and so was the heartbreak. They are not my words but they pretty much sum up why it is hard for anyone to fully understand what I’ve been going through.  Each heart knows it’s own bitterness, and no one else can fully share it’s own joy. – Proverbs 14:10 (NLT). I’ve realised that cutting ties wasn’t really dealing with the situation, it was just, as another has said, ‘sweeping it under the carpet’.  So when I’m forced to confront what happened in the past, then the emotions just bubble up again.  There’s gotta be a better way.  I don’t want secrets anymore.  I want everything out in the open.  And I have no idea where I’m going with this and why I’m even writing this… ahhhhh, we’ll just leave it here for now.

♥ a.

28 June 2010

Ties

To the first one:

This is probably the best thing I could do for myself.  Letting go completely has freed me to move forward properly.  Cutting ties has taken me out of limbo and there is a sense of peace about this decision.  Live well and always for God.

To the last one:

I look forward to the day that we tie the knot ;).  ‘Til then, live well and always for God.

♥ a.

21 June 2010

Going on

To the first one:

It really is unfair how I still miss you an unhealthy amount.   I felt a pang of loneliness as I walked from Flinders St Station the other day.  Memories still haunt me and sometimes I dwell on them a bit too long.  Nowadays, they bring me a smile first but then it is followed closely by sadness.  I wanted to call/message you that day but I knew that it wouldn’t be good for me.  I’d be going backwards.  I have to keep letting you go on with your life.  And let me go on with mine.

I just wish I could stop it… it just fills me with awful feelings.  But I know I shouldn’t rely on feelings, feelings that are ever changing and never constant.  How do I get COMPLETELY over this?  It is quite easy to fall back into the mentality where everything is ‘woe is me’ so I’ll just keep praying… praying that he’ll come soon so that these feelings will be replaced with the joy of new beginnings.

To the last one:

“he” is you.

:).

♥ a.

16 June 2010

Without you

To the first one:

“Stuff would really suck without you.” Really? Stuff? What stuff?  You’re going to have to be more specific.  You seem to be doing fine without me.  And I’m starting to get better at being fine without you too.  At least the strings are snapping off, I’m not so attached anymore.  Things don’t hurt me so much anymore.  If I’m going to stick around, I need to know where I stand.  I need to know the place that I can go back to where I’ll be free from harm.

To the last one:

I’ve finished my last exam for my first semester of Law!  The feeling is amazing but my back is aching… I wonder what the last few days were like for you…what you were doing? Did you have exams too?  Or have you already found yourself in the workforce and made the most of the long weekend?  I’ve been praying for you a lot over the past few days and I pray that the days I’ll spend without you will soon be overtaken by the days I’ll spend with you :).

♥ a.

11 June 2010

Worth it

To the first one:

Hmmm.  I don’t know what to say to you anymore.  I don’t know if I should still be writing to you like this anymore.  I thought everything had been resolved but then the pain was still very present.  The wound was still there.  I didn’t know what to do.  How to feel.  What to feel.  So I went looking for answers.  They said this.  They said that.  There were so many voices.  I started to listen to them and they started to feel like the ‘right thing’.  Little did I know that I had already arrived at the right answer a long time ago.

I anticipate that there will still be days where I hate you and will wish pain on you.  And I do have the right and choice to never speak to you again and no one would question that decision.  However, I do think that, somehow, wading through the pain with be worth it.  It won’t be the same, but that’s OK.  I know life with you would be better than life without you.  It’ll be worth it.

To the last one:

I’m watching the Opening Ceremony of the World Cup Tornament 2010 at the moment.  I wonder if you are watching it too :).  The commentators on SBS radio apologised to their Vietnamese listeners that their regular program would be disrupted because of the World Cup coverage.  But they said, it’s only happens once every four years so they asked their audiences to please bear with them.  They also asked the wives to please bear with their husbands who’d be spending a lot of sleepless nights watching the soccer heh heh.  It’s just once every four years.  I hope that we’ll be watching the next World Cup Opening Ceremony together ;).  It’ll be worth it.

♥ a.

04 June 2010

Pain

To the first one:

I keep swinging from peace to pain; content to angry.  I actually am still happy for you coz I know everything has actually worked out for the best…. but at the same time, I’m really annoyed.  What still gets to me is that I was dragged into something that I never asked for or pursued in the first place.  I never had that intention.  I was happy.  I told you I just wanted to be friends. I told you that you were probably on the rebound.   But you were persistent…. and I eventually gave in and believed you.  You got my hopes up and then to have them dashed like that… you talked about what life would look like together.  It’s like you pursued me, got me to fall in love with you, and then realised that no, actually, you still loved her.  The fact is that you always did, you just thought you couldn’t be with her…so you chose to be with me?  That makes it worse because that means you lied.  I didn’t want to trust you, but you said I could.  I said, let’s take it slow, wait out the year but you continued to try and win me over.  I didn’t want to give my heart away to anyone but you convinced me that you were mine and I had yours… So I gave you my heart which you broke and then returned to me to be mended.  How could anyone forgive this?

I’m angry at myself as well coz when I look back, the signs were there. You were always so upset about her, wanted her to talk to you… why was I so blind? There were so many times where I see that I could have stopped things in their tracks… but I didn’t.  I got myself in a position to get hurt.

And it hurts bad.  It really really hurts.  The pain is still so raw.  And it’s distracting…

♥ a.

27 May 2010

Live well

To the first one:

In spite of everything, or maybe because of everything, you are never far from my mind.  I hope you are doing well.  I hope you are living well.  I hope you are exercising control over certain things that we were trying to work in you.  I hope you are living by priorities and not passions as you had the tendencies to do.  I hope that you are keeping to the goals that we set out together for you.  This SWOT-VAC is gonna be quite different from the last.  I was reminded today: “Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring forth.”  Maybe that was the problem- we thought too far ahead.  Both wanting something that wasn’t for us.  Live well my dear.

To the last one:

I hear that you may be closer than I think.  I’ve heard of a guy who seems to fit all your criteria.  Don’t know if he is you though.  But regardless, I don’t think I’m ready to meet you yet.  I still have so much growing and learning to do.  I still feel like a kid at times, like I don’t know much at all.  I pray you are riding the waves of life with God by your side.  I pray that everyday, you’ll become more and more of the man that I’ll marry one day.  I pray that everyday, I’ll become more and more of the woman that you’ll marry one day.  I pray that we’ll both deserve each other yet know that we only have each other by God’s grace.  Live well my dearest.

♥ a.

23 May 2010

In Time

To the first one:

They said I’d feel less attached in time.  Why does everything have to happen ‘in time’?  I wish it could just happen overnight or we could take a pill for it and wake up and feel ‘less attached’.  But I guess everything that was good took time to build so it’ll take relatively the same amount of time to tear down.  Great.

I just don’t want to be constantly thinking about what you might be doing, who you might be doing it with etc.  Why think about someone like that when it isn’t being reciprocated?  Maybe I just miss having someone whom I know has me on their mind as well which is probably just a bit selfish lol.

The things that crossed the boundaries of friendship I can do without.   I don’t miss the late night calls and the exhorbitant phone bills.  I don’t miss lying to my parents as to where and who’d I would be spending the day with.  I don’t miss hiding the love we shared from the world.

I miss the care and concern.  I miss the laughter and fun.  I miss the mutual understanding and knowledge.  I miss sharing the mundane and insignificant details of my life with another.  The things I miss are the things that I know will be there again in time.   But it’ll be different.  That’s the sad part.

To the last one:

The weather was beautiful today.  It was lovely just sitting under the sun and clear blue skies while the wind gently blew through the trees.  I can’t wait to share moments like these with you.  I watched the joy on the parents’ faces as their kids went up to perform their music pieces in front of the medium-sized audience.  I hope our kids can learn to love music and we’ll get the opportunity to enjoy their concerts together.  All in good time :).

♥ a.

19 May 2010

Healing

To the first one:

Sometimes I wish you were a jerk.  That way I could hate you and say I’m better off for not having you in my life.  But it wasn’t that simple.  Your main mistake was letting me fall for you.

The open wound is still there but the difference is I’m no longer pouring the salt of bitterness and anger onto it hoping it will heal.  Instead, its been cleansed and the ointment of forgiveness has been applied, the gauze of God’s love covers it and the bandage of God’s peace, grace and hope has been placed over it.

I hope that in time we can both look back at the period we spent together with fondness.

To the last one:

I have another person praying that you’ll make your appearance soon.  I hope you are living well and in the light.  The prayer is that you’ll be faithful, courageous, loving, passionate and highly tuned to God’s Will in your life.  Wait for me.

♥ a.

17 May 2010 (night)

Wishes

To the first one:

Evidently you don’t realise the extent of the damage you’ve done.  Even I didn’t know.  Maybe if I did, I would have either held on a little bit tighter or stayed well away like they all advised me to at the very beginning.

It would be alright if the memories didn’t haunt me.  Thoughts of you meet me at ever corner, at every building, at every street as I trek out to uni.  I can’t seem to escape.  I used to wish for a better memory.  Now I wish I could just forget it all.  I wish I could just fall asleep and wake up not knowing who you are and what you had meant to me.  I’ve never been one to hate another, but right now… I hate you.  The more I talk about it, the angrier I get.  I feel used, jibbed.  I agree with them now.  I don’t know if we could ever be friends again.

But he said it’ll take time.  I find comfort in knowing he has made it out ok :).  Maybe it is appropriate that I get to fell the kind of pain I put him through over the last 6 months.  Just knowing he is there for me is enough.  And I’m glad he knows how to hug now lol.  Thank you Lord for such a friend.

♥ a.

17 May 2010 (morning)

Hurt

To the first one:

They say it wasn’t love unless it hurts.  Well it hurts.  It hurts bad.  It hurts real bad.

It just makes me think… did you ever really love me?  Was it all just a lie that I was naive enough to believe?  I gave up so much just to be with you yet now that I look back, you didn’t give up much at all.

The word ‘betrayal’ comes to mind.  Because of you, I will trust less easily.  I already had trust issues.  Now they’ve been magnified 100 times.  Thanks for that.

It’s funny how the things you once loved about someone is precisely the thing that would cancel the deal if you ever met them again as a stranger.  I have to keep convincing myself it wouldn’t have worked anyway.

Thankfully, I know one who has loved me even when my heart was not completely devoted to Him.

I won’t give my heart away that quickly next time.  Wait.  There won’t be a next time.  I’m saving my heart for the one who can say and really mean, “I’m yours… for the rest of my life.”

To the last one:

I’m sorry.  I’m sorry you couldn’t be my first one.  I’m sorry I couldn’t save my first one for you.  I’m sorry I rushed and didn’t wait for you.  Is it unfair to hope that you’ve still kept all those beautiful things for our life together?

Please have self-hygiene!  BO is not acceptable!  The other night, I could hardly breath with the smell that was emitting from the guy seated next to me on the tram! lol, we’ll share funny moments like this one day :).

♥ a.

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One thought on “First/Last Notes

  1. Pingback: my yesterdays « Mixed Bag of Musings

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