That Story – what started this blog.

There is one last story I would like to share before beginning the 2011 wrap up.  It’s the story that I was trying to run away from when I launched this blog at the start of this year however, this blog has inadvertently documented the journey I’ve had to take to really find freedom from the past.  I hope that in telling this story, it will symbolically be buried and there will be no need for it to be mentioned again (except in the context of lessons learnt and for the purposes of encouraging others working through past hurts and pain).  

So here it goes…

Continue reading

A Story: Friend For Life, Part 4 – how it is now

Part 1 , Part 2 and Part 3.  Now the final installment…

He changed.

Dramatically.

Almost overnight, there was something different about him – everyone could see it.  The prayers I’d been praying over his life had finally been answered!  Even now, I praise God for His faithfulness.  He never gave up on him.  We were personal witnesses to God’s radical transforming power and I feel so humbled to have been a part of His plan to ultimately bring my friend to the end of himself, to bring Him to the point where there was nowhere else to run but into the loving arms of the Father.

We settled back into our friendship but with a difference… I could see a light in His eyes as he spoke about God and shared his own experiences of God with me.  He has encouraged me so much and at times, I feel like he has surpassed me in my understanding of who God is – which is awesome.

It wasn’t all smooth sailing though.  It took 5 months for me to realise what a big mistake I had made by entering into that first relationship.  We broke things off on mutual terms but I was severely brokenhearted when the other boy started seeing his old girlfriend again and then a few months later was engaged (ah, I said I would leave it for another post!).  But it allowed me to feel the pain that I had put my friend through the months before and it was such a comfort to know that if he made it through, surely God would bring me through it as well.   I was so thankful that he stood by my side even though I had hurt him so much in the past.

Even though God had moved in his life in such an amazing way, that did not necessarily mean that his feelings for me were automatically extinguished.  Through my own personal pain, I could not see his words and actions were clothed in an unrequited love for me.  Actually, that’s not true.  I knew he still cared for me but I knew that it would be entirely unfair to him if I was to just fall into his loving arms to ease my own pain.  I didn’t want to put him in the position that I had just been in – not only would that be unwise but it would have been entirely selfish of me.  So I left it for him to get his feelings sorted – it was not something I could help him with.  All I could do was reassure him that we would be ‘Friends for life’ and in my heart of hearts and I knew that’s all we would ever be.

Now, 4 years on from that first summer day, we’re both doing well :).  He is dating one of my dearest sisters in Christ and I think it is for the long haul.  We don’t talk as much as we used to but that has been partly due to my own personal decision to distance myself so that I do not interfere in their relationship in any way (and also moving to another church has meant I don’t see him on a weekly basis anymore).  However, he remains one of the sweetest, most generous and kindest guys I know and what’s more is that he has a solid faith in God to back it up.  He is one of the finest guys I’ve ever met and I’m so thankful to call him friend.

Our lives have taken different paths but I’m thankful they crossed and know that (if you ever read this) I am so proud of you, happy for you and love you very much.  I pray that God continues to do great things in you and through your life to inspire others to pursue the things of God more.

♥ Ames

A Story: Friend For Life, Part 3 – how it changed

Part 1 and Part 2 can be found here and here.

I remember the day I told him.  I felt like we were such good friends so why wouldn’t I?  I think I had an inkling that he was harbouring feelings for me but as he never verbalised it, I didn’t think it should matter.

I told him about the boy who’d expressed that he liked me (a story for another post).  I told him how I knew that the boy must have been on the rebound and nothing was likely to come of it.  I joked about it but he didn’t say much in response.

I just put it down to it being one of his off-days.  However, the next day, a full-blown confession waited for me in my inbox.  I didn’t know what to do.  I didn’t know what to say.  I also was a few weeks away from the exams of my final semester so I asked for his patience which he had no choice but to give.  I left him in the dark for the next month as my friendship with the other boy unexpectedly accelerated into something I had neither anticipated or foreseen – it had all the markings of a relationship though it was never officially labelled as one.

Anyway, the time came when he requested a meeting with me.  I told him it was horrible timing as my grandma also had just gone into hospital (that was true) but if I was being honest, I just didn’t know how to handle it.  I cared for him deeply but I also knew my heart wasn’t where his was.  So I asked for more time.  He told me later about how that period had been the darkest for him.  And that was when his own journey began…

I felt so alone. One night I just prayed to God. I prayed for Him to help me. I prayed that I would do anything, absolutely anything if He would just take this pain away. Right then, I felt the pain go away. I continued to pray. I prayed for Him to take away all my burdens and my anger. That night I gave my life for God. I told Him, ‘Here is my life take it, everything I have planned, everything I did has failed.  Take it and show me your plans, for I know that Your plans never fail, that your plans are amazing beyond my imagination.’ As I kept on praying, these waves of love were coming and healing me. I was no longer in pain. It is a feeling that is beyond words. That week I must have prayed over 1000 times. Not for myself only but for you as well.

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You may wonder why I am so transparent with these stories that are so obviously written from or based on personal experience.  I find that once I am able to talk/write about an event, I know that it has become a subject of the past and no longer hangs over the present.  It’s therapeutic and I think a necessary part of any form of ‘letting go’.  Dear FFL, if you still read this blog, I hope you’ll understand my need to share this.

♥ Ames

A Story: Friend For Life, Part 2 – how it developed

Part 1 can be found here.  This is how I remember it…

The event started and they were nowhere to be seen.  I put it out of my mind and enjoyed the praise and worship with a dear sister beside me.  Then, about halfway through the third song, out of the corner of my eye, I saw the brother and sister come in through the side doors.  My heart gave a little leap and I couldn’t help but smile and shake my head.  He came!  We barely spoke that night but I remember being slightly embarrassed when the guest band turned out to be of the ‘head-banging’ type (seriously, I don’t get how someone could understand whatever Christian message they were trying to get through by their music!) and apologising to him for it.  Sadly, they were only able to stay for half of the sermon but I was still glad that they were able to make it.  I felt like it was such a great achievement and was mentally patting myself on the back for somehow being the catalyst to get him there.

Over the course of the next few weeks, we somehow ended up chatting on MSN (so old-school!) or sending text messages back and forth on the mundane everyday things.  I didn’t think too much about it because in my mind, the goal was to get him to know Christ and I thought it was important we became friends before I could really talk to him on that level.  I remember the I HEART REVOLUTION being played in the cinemas and I really wanted to go.  He had a car.  Need I say more?  We were going with two of my friends however, they were majorly late so we spent a fair bit of time just waiting outside the cinemas and chatting.  Who knows what about but given that he was so aloof when I saw him at church, I thought we were making progress. Continue reading

hurting tummies

Amidst the conversation and chatter, wrapping and eating, she spies the little boy huddled on a chair, clutching his stomach.  “What’s wrong?” she asks as she gently places her hand on his back.  He looks up in anguish, his face contorted in a grimace.  “My tummy hurts,” he says before curling back into a little ball.  She remembers back to a time when she was his age and what her father had told her in the same situation.  “Let’s pray to Jesus and ask him to take away the pain, alright?”

He nods weakly and she leads him a short prayer.  She then pats him on the back, “Hope you feel better soon.”  As she begins to walk away, she sees him jump up with renewed energy and watches him run to his mother.  “Mum, mum!  Amy just prayed for me and now my tummy doesn’t hurt!  Jesus healed me!”  She smiles and remembers that little girl who experience a miracle of healing, cementing her belief that the God of the Bible is real and that Jesus does care, even for someone as small and insignificant as herself.  She finds the little boy a few moments later and leads him in a prayer of thanksgiving.

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Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever.  And I love that He cares about the little things like hurting tummies.  And, I love how He can use us to share His love with the young and the old.

This night was for the university students but the night was also for that little boy.  I pray that he’ll never forget tonight.

♥ Ames

A Story: Friend For Life, Part 1 – how it began

I didn’t think I would ever be telling this story but somehow tonight, it feels appropriate.  I feel like doing a bit of story-telling :).  There’s been many-a-version told but this is how I remember it :).  Sometimes it feels like just yesterday but then I check, and it’ll be close on 4 years by now…

In my memories, it was summer when it all began.  It was a new year and I was pumped!  I was gonna get things going in this place even if it meant getting out of my comfort zone… God gave His life for me, surely I could at least do something as simple as this for His sake!  So I started doing the rounds, first with my girlies, then with those I was on ‘hi-bye’ terms, some of the younger kids and then it came to ‘them’.  They stood by themselves, seemingly indifferent to all the activity and chatter going around them, pushing and poking fun at each other as brothers do.  I took a deep breath and started walking in their direction…

I don’t remember what I said or how I did it but somehow I was able to extract email addresses and mobile numbers… I felt very proud of my achievements haha.  There was also a part of me that contained a little leap of excitement… out of the two brothers, there had always been something in the younger one that intrigued me.  I knew there was something good deep down in there, I’d seen glimpses of it over the years and now finally, here was a chance to draw it out of him!

So that week, I texted around to all those I’d gathered details from to tell them about a youth event happening that week or the week after, hoping to see if I would be able to drag some along :P.  He responded, but in an offhanded kind of manner leaving me uncertain if he would be attending.  That night eventually rolled around… I knew his sister was coming so I think I secretly hoped he would too- though I remember telling myself not to get my hopes up.  He surprised me.

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Other stories can be found here.

♥ Ames

Short Story: Unspoken Conversations

It wasn’t a dream this time.  You know the mix of thoughts you have just before you fall asleep?  They say that whatever is in your heart will manifest itself in some shape or form whether you will it to or not…

In an ideal world, she’d be able to stroll through those same gardens with him without any emotional residue.

In an ideal world, she’d tell him how she really doesn’t hold anything against him anymore and how she has been so much better off without him.

In an ideal world, he’d understand exactly where she is coming from and accept that he must mean nothing to her in order to start again.

In an ideal world, she’d tell him how wonderful it has been to live in the very near presence of their Saviour and how he needs to find his rest and renewal from Him alone.

In an ideal world, she’d be able to articulate clearly and joyfully to him about how she sees the pieces fit all together now.

In an ideal world, he’d agree with everything she says because she’s just cool like that (hahaha- just kidding!).

But the world isn’t ideal and her head doesn’t really want those things… right?

Her mind turns to sweeter thoughts of her Beloved.  That’s right, she doesn’t want to risk crossing the line again for the sake of her Beloved.  She doesn’t want to run the risk of sharing the innermost thoughts she’d reserved for her Beloved with someone who… well, isn’t her Beloved. She remembers the Father’s wisdom to drop that hinderance, promising that whenever He asks her to lay something down, it is because He has something more worthy of her attention and efforts in store.  And He always keeps His promises because lying would be against His very nature.

And, what do you know? She has fallen asleep with a smile on her face.

:).

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“If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they’re yours; if they don’t they never were.” – Richard Bach

♥ Ames

Short Story: ‘getting over you’

A couple that we really thought could last the distance broke up this week… there were a lot of barriers to begin with but we saw the breaking down of the walls and the building of bridges… it was beautiful thing… however, it’s not really my place to say anything further on the topic… I just wanted to base a short narrative on a status update that I saw of one of the parties… the status read: ‘getting over you’.

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The boy seemed very infatuated with the girl but she was still wondering what had actually happened.  She laughed it off when he told her he liked her…she knew he was totally on the rebound (though he always denied it) and most likely just clung to her because she’d offered him help… yet somehow, her heart was interested to see what this whole love thing could look like.

She said, ‘Let’s just be friends, get to know each other better for the next year or so…. when you’ve got over her, we can have this conversation again.’

His face grew serious.  ‘I don’t think I’m meant to get over her.  I won’t ever get over her… it’s more like, I have to get on with my life…’ Then he smiled. ‘…and I’m hoping that you’ll be somewhere in the picture… in the future.’

Even though she knew it wasn’t a good idea and she didn’t even know that she’d done it, she gave him her heart that day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A full year and a bit onwards, she’s a lot older (well, she feels it) and she’s a lot wiser (she knows it).  She has realised that the friendship she had kept hoping for just doesn’t exist anymore.  She’s not the same girl he fell for and he’s not the same boy she shared her innermost thoughts with.  Circumstances have changed.  From the moment he told her he liked her, the purely friendship aspect of their interactions was doomed to be something irretrievable…well, at least irretrievable in the form that it once was.  The relationship that deepened that day and the days afterwards was too entwined and laced with romantic love that, to find somewhere in between would be detriment to them both.  And she has accepted that as a fact.

The words he spoke ring true for her now.

‘I don’t think I’m meant to get over you, I just have to get on with my life.’

♥ Ames

P.S. Short Stories will not be open for public comments but if you liked it, have an opinion to express, if you spot spelling errors etc., feel free to email: mixedbagsofmusings@gmail.com, thank you!

Short Story: Dream

She had a dream.  Not the Dr.-Martin-Luther-King-type mind you.  It was a vivid one that seemed so real whilst it was occurring, but the moment she regained full awareness of the darkness that consumed her vision and the firmness of the pillow under her head, the inconsistencies of it made her conclude that it could have only been a mish-mash of past events and manifestations of her own sub-consciousness.  As she tried to recall what had happened in the dream, it started to fragment and she wasn’t sure if what was floating in her mind was in fact what had arisen…

She remembers seeing her deceased grandmother standing at the kitchen sink washing the dishes.  She remembers the soft face that broke out in harsh-sounding Cantonese as the older lady recounts how she had been working and earning money back in Vietnam at the tender age of 12.  The girl could feel herself rolling her eyes behind the newspaper she was holding up so as to keep her exasperated expression hidden from her grandmother.  Someone rang the doorbell.  In reality, the girl would have been the one to go and answer the door, but for some reason, the grandmother went ahead to see who it was.  For some reason, the grandmother could speak perfect English and let the visitor in.  For some reason, the girl paid no attention, until the visitor walked up to her chair and tapped her on the shoulder.  She remembers the feeling of shock that vibrated through her body as she saw the face that she’d been intentionally ignoring for the last few months each time thoughts of the past would surface involuntarily.  She could feel the colour drain from her cheeks as the visitor smiled the smile that had slowly broken down the wall she’d built around her heart a year ago.

“What are you doing here?” she remembers asking.  They both sense the fear that rose in her voice.  He just stares at her and opens up his arms ready to embrace her.  “What are you doing here?” she asks again as she shrinks further back in her chair.

“I missed you,” he responds quietly as he returns his arms to his side.  She snorts in disgust at his answer. “That’s a bit rich considering all you put me through.”

He hangs his head, and she shakes hers with determination.  “I told you I can’t do this anymore.  I made my decision and you’re just going to have to accept it.”

He clenches his fists and lifts his eyes to meet hers, the look sending chills down her spine. “You can’t just cut me out of your life!  You promised, no matter what happens, you’d always be my friend.”

She remembers suddenly feeling a wave of nausea wash over her and she turns to face the wall as she fights back the tears threatening to spill over.  He reaches over to grab her shoulder but she shakes his hand off (Grandma has somehow disappeared from the scene).  He heaves a loud sigh.  “Didn’t you say you forgave me?  You are not acting very forgivingly.”

She feels her mood change once again and this time anger laces her words.  “Stop it.  Nothing you say is gonna change it.  Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I still need to hang out with you.  I’ve moved on, okay?  I’m getting on with my life… but you just complicate things too much.  I’ve tried, okay, but I hate riding this emotional rollercoaster.  Just let me go my way and you can goes yours.”  She remembers grinding her teeth before she asks, “Does she know you came to see me?”

“Of course, she does.  She wants to get to know you!  You’ll love her…” He tries to smile as he says this but it soon fades as a scowl is given in return.  He tries another tactic.  “Look, you were the healthiest thing in my life and I know I’m asking a lot… but can’t we just go back to the way things were?  Can’t you just forgive and forget?  Don’t you remember?  You said it yourself, we’re kindred spirits… you were my best friend, my bestie… remember?”

But his pleads falls on deaf ears.   She takes a few deep breaths, composes herself and her voice is steady as she looks him square in the eyes.  “You have no right to make these demands.  Sure, I said those things once long ago but things have changed, haven’t they?  You can’t be my best friend in the same way that I can and I should not be yours.  Maybe we could be close again one day, but for now I think we just need to give it a rest.  Friendship is about a bit of give and take and presently, I don’t think there’s anything left here that I need… that I can’t get elsewhere.  I’ve given so much of myself already and you have nothing I want.  Until we can be on level ground again, please just let me be.  Let me live my life, you can live yours and if our paths converge at a later stage…we’ll see what happens.”  She remembers feeling satisfied with her delivery but that’s the last thing she remembers before reality hits her….she can’t quite explain the upset feeling she has when she sits up in bed at 4am.  She sighs. “I thought everything was fine already…why is this coming up again?”

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‘Dreams feel real while we’re in them. It’s only when we wake up that we realize something was actually strange.’ – Inception (Cobb)

♥ April

[edited] **DISCLAIMER: This is a fictional piece that does not necessarily represent the present sentiments of the author.