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chaos and being vulnerable

HELLO!  Does anyone still read this blog??

It has been a long while since I’ve posted here… lots has happened.

In many ways, I’m not sure what there is left to write on this blog.

Since starting work, I’ve come to the realisation that I’m no longer just my own person.

What I send out in to the world, what I write could potentially be a representation of my firm.

I have to be careful of what I say, or at least what I write when it comes to communicating with clients.

And that’s why I feel at times, I can’t be as vulnerable here as I used to.  I’m not even sure if this is a safe place to direct people to anymore.  A lot of emotion has been put on display on this blog.  Is it still a good idea to keep it out there?  To still be linked to it?  Perhaps it would help if there is a bit of anonymity.  Perhaps it means making this blog password-accessible only.

I dunno.

My mind just seems a bit all over the place lately.  There have been some amazing highlights but there’s also so much that needs to be done around the house, with church commitments, piano teaching, managing the commitments of the trust fund… I feel like I’m in the midst of chaos.  Funnily enough, work is probably the thing that I find most comfort in.  Even though it has its challenges, at least I always have a to-do list that I can just systematically go through.  If I need help, I know I can ask – there’s something consistent and regular, even if the work can be different from day-to-day.

And friends are getting serious about their relationships or getting engaged or married left, right and centre!  I’m very happy for each and every one but it does cause one to reflect on your own stage in life.  I guess I’ve hit that age where marriage is no longer something that is a distant dream but a tangible reality that people around me are beginning to experience.  Though I know I’m not in a position to make a commitment to another person yet, I’m still curious as to who God is preparing for me.

There have been a few outstanding guys who have come into my world lately.  I think I always get a bit starstruck when I come across guys who are fully devoted followers of Christ – those who endeavour to live a Christ-centred life and walk the faith they profess.  I stand back in awe because they seem like a rare breed.  At least in my world at the moment.

A seed of hope will start to bud and then the mind likes to run free… but I’m not the kind of girl to pine after someone if the guy shows no interest.    I was told once that if a guy doesn’t make an effort, then he probably isn’t interested.  Of course there is disappointment, but as I come to that realisation, I stop watering the seed, it dies and in its place, God plans a seed of friendship.  These friendships have been good so far – no residue emotions. It is particularly easy to stop watering the seed when you find out they have become attached lol.

There is one situation that I am still unsure of… a plant of friendship has been flourishing for a while but when the other person is also single and seems to start making more of an effort, when is it time to start taking a step back?  There’s a thought that seems to be running through my head lately: “Don’t play with his heart.”  If you can’t see a future, why beat around the bush, cause confusion and break hearts?

Hmmm… is this being too vulnerable, too transparent?  Yeah, perhaps posts like these need to be password-protected from here on in.  If you would like to read further posts of this nature, please leave your email in the comments and then I’ll let you know the password if I’m comfortable with you reading it lol.

Let’s leave it here.

– Ames – 


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