I remember the day I told him. I felt like we were such good friends so why wouldn’t I? I think I had an inkling that he was harbouring feelings for me but as he never verbalised it, I didn’t think it should matter.
I told him about the boy who’d expressed that he liked me (a story for another post). I told him how I knew that the boy must have been on the rebound and nothing was likely to come of it. I joked about it but he didn’t say much in response.
I just put it down to it being one of his off-days. However, the next day, a full-blown confession waited for me in my inbox. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to say. I also was a few weeks away from the exams of my final semester so I asked for his patience which he had no choice but to give. I left him in the dark for the next month as my friendship with the other boy unexpectedly accelerated into something I had neither anticipated or foreseen – it had all the markings of a relationship though it was never officially labelled as one.
Anyway, the time came when he requested a meeting with me. I told him it was horrible timing as my grandma also had just gone into hospital (that was true) but if I was being honest, I just didn’t know how to handle it. I cared for him deeply but I also knew my heart wasn’t where his was. So I asked for more time. He told me later about how that period had been the darkest for him. And that was when his own journey began…
I felt so alone. One night I just prayed to God. I prayed for Him to help me. I prayed that I would do anything, absolutely anything if He would just take this pain away. Right then, I felt the pain go away. I continued to pray. I prayed for Him to take away all my burdens and my anger. That night I gave my life for God. I told Him, ‘Here is my life take it, everything I have planned, everything I did has failed. Take it and show me your plans, for I know that Your plans never fail, that your plans are amazing beyond my imagination.’ As I kept on praying, these waves of love were coming and healing me. I was no longer in pain. It is a feeling that is beyond words. That week I must have prayed over 1000 times. Not for myself only but for you as well.
You may wonder why I am so transparent with these stories that are so obviously written from or based on personal experience. I find that once I am able to talk/write about an event, I know that it has become a subject of the past and no longer hangs over the present. It’s therapeutic and I think a necessary part of any form of ‘letting go’. Dear FFL, if you still read this blog, I hope you’ll understand my need to share this.