I spoke with my old youth pastor on the phone today. He called to see how I’ve been since the move. It wasn’t a long conversation but as I gave thought to the things that have happened in the last 6 months, all I could say was how gracious God has been. What I thought would be quite painful… wasn’t. The transition into a new church and ministry was almost effortless (must be a God-thing ha) and I can see that God really has opened new doors and given me a new cause to live and breathe for. This is how The Church grows and expands. I’m sure I’ve written that before lol, this blog probably gets a bit repetitive at times as I don’t keep track of my posts as well as Leeleegirl :P.
I slept well last night. Thanks for the prayers. I also listened to the last part of ‘Getting Past Your Past’ – the part that I needed most to hear… Forgiving Yourself.
As a PK, I’ve always felt called to live by a higher standard, like the whole world (at least the church world) had their eyes on my every move (though, as Christians that’s what we should be doing anyway right?). I was meant to set an example, be a role model for others, be the encourager, the one people could draw strength from etc.
So when I was left to mend my brokenheart, I felt such a deep sense of total failure. I felt like I’d disappointed my parents, God and most importantly (for my aching heart), betrayed my future spouse (whoever he may be). I knew that God forgave me and my parents were so kind to me, even as I confessed all that I’d done behind their back but I had buried away the guilt, thinking that I’d already dealt with it. The head knowledge of God’s truth and love was failing to translate into something real and personal.
Hence, every interaction I had with the person that hurt me would indirectly and subconsciously remind me of the guilt I still carry around which would result in anger, frustration and shame. Long story short, like David in Psalm 38:4, my guilt was overwhelming me like a burden too heavy to bear.
Thank God for his good timing and the Holy Spirit that guides. The words of Craig Groeschel in that podcast pierced something deep inside: “Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.” It’s ok not to be perfect, we all have a past but God gives us the power to help overcome our past.
Notes I took down:
Instead of living still gripped by that failure:
- Recognise that my biggest sin is not and has never been too big for God’s grace
- Guilt is not from God: guilt paralyses action and breeds self-hatred
- Conviction on the other hand, produces change by propelling you to God himself
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. – 1 John 1:9
For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more. – Jeremiah 31:34
- You are not defined by what you’ve done but by what God says we are
- Satan likes to get us to personalise our sin (e.g. I don’t just lie, I’m a liar) but sin is an event, it is never a person
- Don’t be in chains to your past but recognise your identity in Christ
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! – 2 Corinthians 5:17
I am adopted by God himself
I am blessed going out as I am coming in
I am more than an overcomer
I am free because Jesus sets me free
- You cannot change your past but the risen Christ can change your future
- The past is never coming back, you can’t change it but God’s power can change you
There’s so much more I could write but I really should get onto doing some solid studying so I’ll stop here.
But know that I’m on my way to recovery… again :).
It’s all in the mind – it’s all about replacing wrong thoughts with the right ones.