Home » Heart to Heart » a journey of forgiveness

a journey of forgiveness

You’re like a bad habit that’s so hard to shake

Who knew this decision would be so tough to make

It’s time to stop playing back the past mistakes

It’s time to move on and forget the heartbreak.

– Ames, 18/10/11

Oh, boy.

Seriously.

It shouldn’t be this hard.

You’d think that I would be over it all by now and in my head I feel like I am.  Well, I’m definitely ready for it to be over already.  I was ready from the moment I said I was going to forgive him- not out of feeling like I wanted to or he deserved it but because I felt like it was my Christian duty to do so.  However, it hasn’t been easy.  I’ve realised that for some, yeah, forgiveness can happen just like ‘that’ *click fingers* but I’ve realised, I’m not one of those people.  I always thought I was but I guess I had lived quite a sheltered life until I got tested.  My parents were/are great and did their best to protect me from all sorts of pains but there came a time where my false sense of security got the better of me.

I look back now and I can pinpoint exactly how it went so wrong.  My Sis remembers that afternoon too.  She regrets not cautioning me after I told her where I was planning to go after our lunch that day.  But, it wasn’t her fault.  I had willingly walked into that situation, thinking ‘I can handle it’ and that mentality followed me every step away from the path that I should have stayed upon.

Weeks, months and a year or two from that first wrong decision, I find myself still struggling at times to rid myself of the consequences of that error of judgment.  Oh, God.  I just don’t want it to continue to be in my consciousness anymore.  I feel like there’s still an issue with unforgiveness but the problem is that in my head I’ve forgiven him and (I think) I’ve forgiven myself.  I’ve said and typed and texted those words so many times and I’ve seen the reality of ‘right actions trigger right feelings’ in other situations but somehow, it’s not working.  Well, it works for a few days, weeks even but I must be missing something as after those days or weeks, something will just set me off again.

So, I’ve been trying to work out what has yet to be dealt with.  I’ve been praying for God to reveal it to me.  I’ve been trying to educate myself, grabbing whatever I can on the topic of forgiveness to learn more and try to understand why I keep relapsing.  And I’m glad I now have the space to do it without pretending everything okay when it’s not.

This past week I’ve been listening to a four-part podcast from LifeChurch.tv that was recorded back in May called, “Getting Past Your Past” and I think I’ve identified at least one activity that I can do to move forward in this journey of forgiveness.  A simple prayer: “Bless him.”  Why?  Go download part two of that podcast and you’ll understand why :).

I anticipate that this post may also be helpful too.  The first link already has me floored.  I see the light at the end of the tunnel!  Praise God!

♥ Ames

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “a journey of forgiveness

  1. Maybe part of forgiving him is seeing that every person and every event contains both the “good” and the “bad.” This doesn’t mean that whatever he did was okay, but it was what happened, and you can’t change that now. Maybe healing from this made you a stronger person, maybe it allowed you to see something you never would have before, maybe you are coming to understand yourself or others in new ways. It’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling, and it’s okay to choose to focus on the blessings in any situation. Take care.

    • Thanks for your comment, Sarah. I definitely see how much I’ve grown since this and I think I’ve learnt a lot about myself too… it’s always helpfully to be reminded of these things so thank you :).

  2. i think forgiveness, and moving on is such a process. sounds like you’re making some really good steps! a few weeks ago i met with a young woman who has just become a christian and our pastor. the young woman comes from the most horrific childhood i think i’ve ever heard of. as a result she is broken. but God is restoring her. and the first step, forgiveness. it was the most amazing difficult powerful time of counsel and prayer i think i’ve ever been in. forgiveness is a choice thing i always think. it doesnt come iwth feelings sometimes. sometimes the feelings still sting and hurt. i know that from my own life. our pastor when praying for this young woman told her to just speak the words, i forgive X for XYZ and then to imagine that Jesus was standing in front of her and that she was to give her pain and hurt to Him. and He would carry it and heal her. i have got lots of texts from her since then saying “i’m hurting today but giving it to jesus.” powerful. it starts with a choice. and then i think jesus then “has access” to come in and repair our hearts and memories… thats what He has done in my life anyway. glad that something i shared on my blog has helped! praying for ya!

  3. Thanks Claire for your comment and for your blog. I always get encouragement when I read your posts :). It’s definitely a process and I think I’ve worked out that the key component for me at the moment is that I’ve had trouble forgiving myself for letting things go down the way they did but I’ve been blessed with a lot of great teaching so I’m on my way :).

    Thanks for your prayers!!

  4. Hi I happened to stop by your blog.. and I 100% agree with Fireball.. it is a process. at least that is the journey I have found myself on.. New things come up where I think I have forgiven and somehow I feel I’m at square one all over again. I’m not sure there is ever any “arriving” when it comes to forgiving something big in your life. At least it’s been almost 6 years for me and I haven’t reached it yet

    . I don’t ever think it’s possible to forget the heartbreak. it will always be a part of you. I think you will grow stronger and be able to help others because of it. (If I am making no sense please let me know) I used to want to forget all that had happened, but now I really believe it has shaped my character by what God has done through it

  5. Thanks for your comment, Lily Joy. Forgiveness is definitely a process that requires perseverence; after all, Jesus did say to forgive 70×7 times – not literally but every time the negative thoughts rise up in our spirit, we remember our decision to forgive and forgive again… Thankfully, it’s not something we need to rely on our own strength to do (which would be impossible) – bring your burdens and hurts to the foot of the cross and God will give your rest and peace in return – this I believe and have experienced myself.

    You are right about the heartbreak… it’ll be a scar I’ll have for the rest of my life – a reminder to not make that same mistake again and also a reminder of God’s grace in saving me from possibly the worst decision of my life haha I do think I’ve grown so much from it and if you’ve clicked around to other posts on this blog, you’ll see that I’ve been able (by the grace of God) to help others because of the character-building effect it has had in me…. and for that, I will be always thankful for :).

    May you find comfort and healing in lifting your pains to the One who brings wholeness and restoration to relationships and hearts :).

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s