You’re like a bad habit that’s so hard to shake
Who knew this decision would be so tough to make
It’s time to stop playing back the past mistakes
It’s time to move on and forget the heartbreak.
– Ames, 18/10/11
It shouldn’t be this hard.
You’d think that I would be over it all by now and in my head I feel like I am. Well, I’m definitely ready for it to be over already. I was ready from the moment I said I was going to forgive him- not out of feeling like I wanted to or he deserved it but because I felt like it was my Christian duty to do so. However, it hasn’t been easy. I’ve realised that for some, yeah, forgiveness can happen just like ‘that’ *click fingers* but I’ve realised, I’m not one of those people. I always thought I was but I guess I had lived quite a sheltered life until I got tested. My parents were/are great and did their best to protect me from all sorts of pains but there came a time where my false sense of security got the better of me.
I look back now and I can pinpoint exactly how it went so wrong. My Sis remembers that afternoon too. She regrets not cautioning me after I told her where I was planning to go after our lunch that day. But, it wasn’t her fault. I had willingly walked into that situation, thinking ‘I can handle it’ and that mentality followed me every step away from the path that I should have stayed upon.
Weeks, months and a year or two from that first wrong decision, I find myself still struggling at times to rid myself of the consequences of that error of judgment. Oh, God. I just don’t want it to continue to be in my consciousness anymore. I feel like there’s still an issue with unforgiveness but the problem is that in my head I’ve forgiven him and (I think) I’ve forgiven myself. I’ve said and typed and texted those words so many times and I’ve seen the reality of ‘right actions trigger right feelings’ in other situations but somehow, it’s not working. Well, it works for a few days, weeks even but I must be missing something as after those days or weeks, something will just set me off again.
So, I’ve been trying to work out what has yet to be dealt with. I’ve been praying for God to reveal it to me. I’ve been trying to educate myself, grabbing whatever I can on the topic of forgiveness to learn more and try to understand why I keep relapsing. And I’m glad I now have the space to do it without pretending everything okay when it’s not.
This past week I’ve been listening to a four-part podcast from LifeChurch.tv that was recorded back in May called, “Getting Past Your Past” and I think I’ve identified at least one activity that I can do to move forward in this journey of forgiveness. A simple prayer: “Bless him.” Why? Go download part two of that podcast and you’ll understand why :).