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givin’ up

People often say that near death experiences will change your perspective on life… why do we have to wait until we ‘almost’ die before we decide to truly live?

As some have been informed, my grandfather when to be with the Lord three nights ago.  His health had been declining so it wasn’t entirely unexpected but it was still the sudden kind of passing that you can never quite prepare yourself for… the last we’d heard was that he has lost his appetite and then the next thing we knew, he was gone.  I didn’t know how to feel after we heard the news… I wasn’t as emotional as I had been when my grandma passed away, but at the same time knowing he was at rest and at peace didn’t stamp out the numbness that I felt settle in my heart.  I turned to the many mindless game apps on my iPhone… I can understand now why people play computer games to keep their mind of things.  But the thing is, it’s always temporary, it’s never satisfies as an effective and permanent distraction… you eventually have to come out and face the reality of the situation…

For me, the reality that I was confronted with after another ‘brush with death’ (so to speak), was that:

 life is short, make every moment count.

‘Man is like a breath; his days are like a fleeting shadow’.*  ‘How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? [Life] is like the morning fog–it’s here a little while, then it’s gone.’**

So after some contemplation, I think I’m ready to give up a few things so that I can give in to God’s amazing purposes and plans He has ahead for me.

As a pre-note, there’s nothing inherently wrong with these activities, I just don’t want to invest my time extensively here anymore because I want to make the most of the 59+ years I’ll have left should I get the privilege of living until I’m 80 years old (hopefully longer).

First, my on-again-off-again obsession with Korean dramas.  It probably sounds like a silly and insignificant thing but I remember a time when I would stay up to all hours of the morning, unable to physically stop after just ‘one more episode’.  I guess some people have cigarettes and alcohol, for me, it doesn’t take long for me to get wrapped up in the fantasy world of a Korean romantic comedy… to the detriment of my studies and sleep-patterns!  I haven’t watched one in a while so perhaps it seems like I’m making a big deal out of nothing but I just want to make a conscious decision to not wander down this path again… I just lack the self-control and will-power to stop once I start…and honestly, there’s not much that can be gained from watching these dramas :P.

Secondly, (which kinda relates to the first) no more addictive computer role-play games such as The Sims and Civilization 3.  Lols, I know these games are so 1990’s and again they aren’t games that I’ve touched in a while, but I’m conscious of the crazy girl I can become whenever I start playing these games.  I’m ready to give these up and find more worthwhile and useful past-times and will be reminded of this decision whenever I get tempted to pick up these games and just give it a ‘try’.  I guess in the same way that you should not tempt a recovering drug addict with drugs, I know it’ll take a lot to get me off these games should I be silly enough to play them again.

Thirdly, (and perhaps the most important of all) I’m giving up the pen to my love story.  Over the past few months or so I’ve been inundated with a lot of material from various sources that has led me to this decision.  I realised that one of the reasons why I did go through that valley was because I grabbed the pen from the Great Author of Love and decided to write my own story. Even though I had prayed for guidance, my choice was made when I’d given myself emotionally and mentally months before there was any serious physical intimacies… praying for God to bless it when I’d already given away my heart was clearly NOT the way to go.  I obviously made a botch job of the whole thing lols so the pen has been given up and given over to the Great Author… there’s such a relief in that… I don’t have to worry about it when I know I’m no longer the one responsible in ‘making things happen’.

I’ll be expanding more on the last ‘giving up’ over time because I think it’s a daily and lifelong task I’ll be doing until he comes along :).

For now, I should probably concentrate for the last bit of my Crim Law seminar before heading home and helping with preparations for the funeral.  I had no one to talk me out of singing a song this time so hopefully I’ll hold it all together…

[edit] For those who believe in the power of prayer, please pray that we’ll have clear skies in Melbourne until at least 1pm… it has been forecast to rain tomorrow. Thank you.

♥ Ames

*Psalm 144:4 (ESV)

** James 4:14 (NLT)


4 thoughts on “givin’ up

  1. *Squeeze*

    You do what you want and what you think will help.

    I think a life without any escapism via Korean dramas, anime, video games, whatever- would be a tough one to live. For me.

    I guess I don’t have the issue of addiction (in those areas- milkshakes are another matter).

    It seems like you’re holding up better than last time. We’ll keep the prayers happening.

    • It does seem a tad easier this time… just really emotionally drained and physically exhausted.

      It’s just a personal decision and reminder to find more productive forms of escapism.

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