Lots of things running through my mind at the moment…. one thing I have been contemplating for a while (maybe for only the past day or two) is that I may revert back to using my real name (or at least nickname) on this blog. It has felt a bit odd signing off as ‘April’ when no one calls me that in real life… and if I’m ever going to break out into the food blog community (which is highly improbable since I seem to like writing up random posts while I’ve got heaps of food-related material stacked up to write about), I don’t want to get mixed up with an actual ‘April’ at My Food Trail :P.
I’ve finished and sent off my essay plan, I’ve finished my preparations for the parent/teacher meetings I’m conducting for my piano studio on Saturday (kinda, maybe a tad proud of putting together individualised progress reports and goals for each student!) and now I’ve just finished browsing through a few blogs that have made me do a bit of self-reflection…
If you’ve been exposed to some of my past offerings at the old blog, you’ll know that self-reflection is something that I do every once in a while (read: a lot)… I guess it comes from a place where I want to be constantly growing and improving myself, to be the best ‘me’ that I can be. Sometimes it comes at a price though… a price that I never thought I’d have to pay. Even though 2010 is long gone and so yesterday’s news, I still like to look back at times and try and squeeze as many lessons as I can from the past so that I won’t make the same mistakes or have to go through the same learning patterns again… once was enough :D.
One of the lessons I learnt from the past is to never become so prideful that you don’t listen to the wise counsel around you. I know my Heavenly Father own heart must have broken when He saw me walk away from the plans that He had set out for me from the very beginning, but I think He allowed me to make my own choice since He foresaw that it would eventually bring me to my knees, wide-eyed to the reality of my brokeness and the imperfect being I’d truly be if not be His grace and love that covers all offences… Now that I look back on it, I think I may have developed a bit of a Phraisees-kind of attitude: the religious people of Bible times who thought they were ‘better’ than others because they followed the Jewish law to the T. I wouldn’t say that I looked down on people, but I think I may have become a bit self-righteous, thinking that because I didn’t smoke, drink, do drugs, gamble or sleep around, I perhaps was doing pretty well at being a ‘good Christian’. I thought I knew it all. I thought I had enough strength and will-power to mend another’s broken heart without becoming ‘too’ emotionally involved. Many had given me warnings at the beginning of the ‘saga’. They told me it was a baddddddd idea. But I didn’t listen. I thought I knew better than the years of experience others had on me. More importantly, I ignored the still small voice inside me that was telling me ‘it’s better to be safe than sorry’.
Instead, I convinced myself I was doing a good deed and that God was using me to help a friend in need (that rhymes!)… *sigh* I’m not sure if I’m making sense (these self-reflections usually don’t) but I think if anything, I’ve realised that no matter how ‘good’ I try to be, I’m no better than the boy who has sneaked glances at pornographic websites in the privacy of his own bedroom. I’m no better than the girl whose slept with her boyfriend so he won’t leave her. I’m no better than the guy who sweet talks to his parents and then curses them behind their backs… because at the end of the day, I can’t do anything more to make Him love me more and I can’t do anything less to make Him love me less. His love is unfailing, unchanged by what I do or don’t do. I’m only made righteous by His righteousness, that was given to all mankind by the sacrificial gift of salvation through The Cross.
Through the grace and mercy that has showered over my life, I’ve been empowered to do what’s right and pleasing to the One who has won me back.
As I reread all that I just typed, I’ve realised it doesn’t flow and doesn’t make sense ^^’. But it’s been typed and my back is sore and I’ve got a big day tomorrow so I’m just gonna leave it as blog babble of a tired but very grateful girl, ready to hop into bed.